Smoking in the Men's Room

Second only to a monastery during a prayer vigil, the men’s room is the most silent place on God’s green earth. Men go there solely to take care of business and then leave -- quickly. They don’t talk, they don’t look about, and they rarely hang around long enough to preen themselves in the mirror. Sometimes they’re in such a hurry to exit the premises they don’t even bother flushing. Often, they don’t wash their hands either. Zip down, zip up, and out the door. Finished. In that respect, the proceedings inside a men’s room are as streamlined as a Wall Street stockholders’ meeting, minus the acrimony.

In fact, the men’s room is so quiet that occasionally some go there just to catch up on their newspaper reading. This is especially advantageous for those frequent cases where the custodian has neglected to re-stock toilet paper. That way, the editorial pages of the Corpus Christi Caller-Times can finally be put to good use.

It’s been observed that the highest concentration of bacteria in any public facility is found on the inside handle of the bathroom door. (For reasons why, see paragraph 1 above.) It is highly recommended, therefore, that one use a paper towel for the following two purposes: (1) To dry hands after washing them and (2) to use towel to open privy door when exiting. Hygiene problem solved. But naturally this presents another problem; once you have safely opened the door and made your exit, you discover there is nowhere to dispose of the towel. Solution: Drop the towel on the floor and make your getaway while feigning innocence. It might even do to whistle a tune. “She Came in Through the Bathroom Window” is regarded as most appropriate.

Some may ask whether any of this is important. After all, we spend at least a third of our lives in bed, and a considerably lesser percentage of time in the toilet. Why not point out the cleanliness of changing the sheets once a week, or the necessity of beating and airing out mattresses each season?

Such people should be reminded that this is a family blog, and we don’t discuss what people do -- in, on, with, or even under their beds. It is strictly up to the individual as consenting adult -- just as long as the bed doesn’t mind. We beg not to go into such questionable activities here. And that’s all we have to say on the matter.